Searching?

I know very well that we will always be searching, that there will always be a little bit of emptiness that could never go away. We may fill it momentarily, but how could we help but yearn?

Having found you, it is not that I have found what can fill what can never be filled.

The search will never end, but you've taught me how to look. And, I think, that may just be enough.

Worrying too much about what people think.

I think in writing, I've been too worried about what people think and too concerned about the carving and fashioning and not concerned enough about its construction. I think I need to let go of my insecurities, not just the personal ones, but as a writer as well. There is a singular end to it all, and I need to write on.

From Alexander Pope's "Essay on Criticism"

"A little learning is a dangerous thing;

Drink deep, or taste not the Pierian spring;

For shallow draughts intoxicate the brain

And drinking largely sobers us again.

Fired at first sight with what the Muse imparts,

In fearless youth we tempt the heights of arts,

While from the bounded level of our mind,

Short views we take, nor see the lengths behind;

But more advanced, behold with strange surprise

New distant scenes of endless science rise!

So pleased at first the towering Alps we try.

Mount o'er the vales, and seem to tread the sky,

The' eternal snows appear already past,

And the first clouds and mountains seem the last;

But those attained, we tremble to survey

The growing labours of the lengthened way,

Th' increasing prospects tire our wandering eyes,

Hills peep o'er hills, and Alps on Alps arise!"

Drink deeply or taste not the Pierian Spring!

Theres a lot for me to learn and a lot of growth that I have to undergo before I can really carve and hammer something great. But, maybe I should not aim for greatness but just the best that I can do?

In the end though, the best can always be better.

A revamp? Reinventing the characters?

After some thought, rereading and constructive comments from friends, I've realized that the first few chapters need a lot of significant work. Characterization, plot development, theme... all sorts of things. I'm still quite well ahead-- about 14 or so chapters into the story, but I think I'll need to do a lot of back writing. I'm considering just posting everything that I have right now, even though I know not a lot of it makes sense.

Now, I'm caught between continuing and writing and not turning back (which would mean ignoring the earlier chapters and not releasing any new chapters for a very long time) or seriously revamp chapters 1-3, and then work on 4 and then continue writing serially (but I'm afraid I'll be mired in the beginning for too long to develop a fuller sense of what I'm trying to get at.)

Some Themes and Ideas, what I'm going for.

I don't know how appropriate or meaningful this would all be, but I was thinking a little bit (and talking a little bit) about what it is I'm trying to get at with this project. Besides coming up with a hopefully interesting plot, I wanted to construct a world, in both discourse and imagination, that is, well, constructed. I don't know how effective this could be, but-- could I arrive at the superficiality and transience of experience through the use of ornate language and an empathic use of fleeting imagery-- or does that run the risk of emphasizing artificiality to a fault. After all, if something is truly fleeting and superficial, why bother writing about it at all?

In the end, a decadent and frivolously sensual part of me relishes in the exuberant and ornamental.

The Hardest Thing about Writing a Novel

The hardest thing about writing anything; well for the purposes of this project, a novel, is getting good feedback.

Especially constructive feedback. And even when someone does offer constructive feedback, it's too easy to fall in the trap of saying, "oh the only reason you think that is because you don't understand me." Even if that is true, one has to make oneself understood.

The challenge of writing is a personal one as well, to be able to open oneself up to scathing, honest, and, at the end of the day, helpful and constructive criticism. Its too easy to tell everyone that "I want to hear your honest comments" and then end up defensive when the reaction is "negative." Then you end up like Mao.

Work with me and even if I do get defensive, please understand that it is momentary and that I'll come through in the end and let everything sink in. And, I certainly will not take anything personally. That I promise.